It was about wanting to end pain within me: An author opens up about self-harm t


As someone who has struggled with self-harm and experienced suicidal thoughts, I know this is a very difficult topic to talk about. However, I am fully prepared to share my difficulties in this regard, as I know that it will help someone who is experiencing the same.

At some point, I had very dark thoughts about suicide. I realized that it was not so much about ending my life as about putting an end to the pain I felt inside me. I wanted so badly to end my pain that I thought the only way out was ending my life in the process.

Therapy for suicidal thoughts

Instead of supporting these dark thoughts, I decided to call my therapist, Dr. Jenny, and we had a much needed session that led me to a place of reconciliation with myself.

Here’s an important part of how our conversation went:

Devina: “Earlier today I wanted to kill myself.”

Dr. Jenny: “What did you end up with?”

Devina: “I realized what I had to go through, so I ate well, thanked myself and cried until I fell asleep.”

Dr. Jenny: “Good girl, Devina. I hope you understand that you only wanted to kill the part of yourself that you didn’t like, and not all of yourself. ”

Destruction of suicidal thoughts

The session with Dr. Jenny turned out to be the most therapeutic of all my sessions with her. What I most disliked about myself at that moment was how unkind I was towards myself, how much I hated myself and, moreover, how ashamed I was for wanting to end my pain. It was so, so bad. My God, how can a person like me, who is doing everything in life, even think about suicide?

Where do all these thoughts come from? Are these old memories? Are they part of our subconscious mind?

To be honest, I don’t know the answer to the “why” question anymore. All I want to do is heal all the parts of me that hurt so much.

Read also: This is the reason why some people are at greater risk of suicide than others

Helping others with suicidal thoughts

With all these taboo thoughts rushing through my head, I also heard a voice coming from within. My intuition asked me to write a book to help others who may have been in the same position as me and had the same negative feelings as me.

Our intuition is a very powerful tool that exists within each of us! The more we listen to it, the stronger and sexier it becomes, and because we listen to inner wisdom, our spiritual confidence grows exponentially. That’s what happened to me! In 2020, my first book, Too Fat, Too Loud, Too Ambitious, was published and became a non-profit organization. As an organization, we strive to get rid of toxic shame, the shame of not being good enough, the shame of not loving your body the way it is, and the shame of dealing with mental health. Anything that prevents you from feeling truly sexy.

See also: Save a life! Read these signs to prevent suicide

Last words

I came to the realization that I really don’t want to commit suicide for anything, and no one else should. By respecting all emotions, including the darkest, such as thoughts of self-harm, we can bring much more balance to life. It helps us understand where we are and what we need to heal in order to find ourselves again. Remember that no part of you is your own enemy.

When we know who we are and practice radical acceptance of ourselves for all parts of ourselves, we can live in the awareness of what makes us feel whole and complete again. Self-knowledge leads to greater self-acceptance, and self-acceptance leads to greater spiritual confidence. This confidence increases our inner wealth, which makes us feel sexy and shiny no matter what we go through.

(This story was written by Devina Kaur. Devina is an inspiring speaker, radio host and producer. She is also the author of a self-help book called Too Fat, Too Loud, Too Ambitious. For more health-related stories, visit:


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